I have felt like I need a place to put myself out there so that I can get myself going without being concerned about the future I have to face. My biggest problem is that I make plans which never suceeds. I mostly isolate myself from any kind of situations and now I have started to enjoy even such an isolation. But, yeah, it cannot really be a real isolation in the very definition of the word. I would say it is more of solitude than isolation with the nuances I have of these words.
Anyway, the point is that my solitude from the present or the word in a very bad way never has got me to go anywhere I had wanted to be. It only placed me where I feel the most uncomfortable and the need of being “betterr” – and I have never been better than anything. I always have tried not to make a mark on the internet so that nobody that wants to track me down can find me even though there is not anybody who wants to see how I am doing. Yeah, it does sound shady, but don’t we all want to know, at some point, what someone that we used to know is up to?
I am pretty sure that this is not going to be read by anyone else but me however long I keep writing stuff on this blog. And I do not think anybody is sincerely interested in reading what I do and think, except for my family.
Although I will stay excluded from the reality and society that I am curretnly living in, I decided to take myself out while staying pretty annonymous. Since everything I will write down here is going to be quite personal, even vulgar sometimes, it is not a good idea to fully reveal myself of who I am. I am not saying that anyone I know finds this out, reads it, and thinks that I am much more shallow and shady than they thought I would be. It is just a matter of feeling safe with myself while being the most genuine in the posts that I am going to put out. Well, for whoever finds this out, although I don’t think anyone will, the reason that you are reading this totally personal writings of my own as a public post, not a private one, is the very reason that I decided to start this. Everything I have written on the internet is private even if the website masters such as Google can see them (I know they do not give a shit.). But, from now on, I will make things out to the world so that I can have the sensation that I am part of the world, not something that exists on its own.
It is my chaotic, apocalyptic predisposition to digress from my original intentaion of doing anything and to bullshit on some “random” things. My Real point of having this blog and making the decision of keep things here is that I want myself to be less hectic and disorganized. I don’t mean to be 100% organized, as I know it is not possible. I just want myself to be less stressful – the stress can never escape my life – and be more trutuful and sincere with my finite life that will never repeat.
Who I am
I am currently an international PhD student of an engineering program in the US – a first-year student as of March 1st, 2025.
I started to write things down on the internet, specifically on blog websites, since 2014. All the posts are scttered everywhere in different blog websites (domestic ones, blogger, notion, and github, which has been deleted). As this period of my life being another “new” step for my life, I decided to compile the journey of my life in a single setting, not wandering about places only to have a disorganized posts that I cannot even ever refer to. But, I have to confess that I barely read what I had writte once I finish writing stuff. It is even embarrassing for myself to read and I feel like I have grown up a bit year by year as a human being although I cannot guarantee. (I just feel, or wish, that I have got more mature) I do have stuff on my notion still and will keep using it but it is more for ad-hoc records of what I do. I don’t think notion is the best place for me to keep a daily journal.
This blog definitely includes some thoughts and objectives of my life and some lists of things like that, but the main purpose will be to keep track of what I do everyday. Everyday? Yes. I have really tried to be discharged of any kind of “obligation” because I never liked having something that I must do. At the end of the day, however, I realized that keeping “duty” for whatever I do is the only thing that has actually worked out for my life in any situation. Thus, I decided to add a few more musts that I have to follow so that my life does not fall into being too disorganized and haphazard as it has been even till now.
I have to pass my qualifying exam later this year to continue my education. I don’t have Master’s but only Bachelor’s. I am currently trying to think about doing too many things at once and always end up doing nothing each day. I wouldn’t say that I am ambitious. I am just a lazy ass that only thinks about being better, not really acting upon the anticipations that I have with myself.
For now, I hope to work through the coureworks that I am dealing with and figure out my way of living life.
This will be the journey of myself figuring out what I have to be. And I hope things to work out in a couple of months or so.
Lifelong Journey 